When you plan your retirement, you don’t plan this!

When we planned our retirement, we planned to make new friends. What we didn’t plan on was losing them.

Everyone says that retirement is a time for golf, travel, books gathering dust, fish camps and hunting. They call it a reward. The prize at the end of the race.

This author never really thought about it, and it is something that, presumably, people do not care to mention to anyone. You made it. Now enjoy the view.

There are, however, a few things they leave out simply because, well—because they’re unpleasant to talk about. Losing friends as you age is the last thing anyone wants to consider when they’re thinking of retiring.

We all reflect on it, don’t we. I mean—when it will be our time? Who goes first? In many cases, by the time retirement rolls around, some of our favorite people are already gone. We forget that as we age toward retirement, so do they, and for many, this can become a serious cause for depression and anxiety.

Retirement: There Is A Lot To Be Gained From What We Lose

It’s unfortunate, but I found that I have become somewhat accustomed to it, and it’s not always death. Some simply fade away; return to live with family in another state or city; relocate to nursing homes and assisted living. They forget your name; you forget their name. They stop returning calls and, well, you just lose track of one another. At the best, you merely become less familiar.

Even when retired, life gets busy. You meant to call; they meant to call, but you just, well, didn’t get around to it. Like family, they’re on your mind, but not always on your to-do list. Here one week, gone the next.

There is far more to it, obviously:

Common challenges of retirement include:

Struggling to “switch off” from work mode and relax, especially in the early weeks or months of retirement.
Feeling anxious at having more time on your hands, but less money to spend.
Finding it difficult to fill the extra hours you now have with meaningful activity.
Losing your identity. If you’re no longer a doctor, teacher, designer, sales person, electrician, or driver, for example, who are you?
Feeling depressed and isolated without the social interaction of being around your coworkers.
Experiencing a decline in how useful, important, or self-confident you feel.
Adjusting your routine or maintaining your independence now you’re at home with your spouse during the day.
Some retirees even feel guilty about receiving money from a pension without directly working for it.

Read the entire article here: Adjusting To Retirement.

Regardless of the way things happen, we notice it—and some more sharply than others. But know that the silence of someone not being in our lives, after a while, just settles in and gentle memories remain.

What Keeps Us Pushing On

The memories remain, and we often comment to others about them; the way they did this or that, how they laughed at certain things, or some silly habit they had.

The saddest thing to this author is to scroll through my contacts and see the name of someone that I failed to omit. Regardless of how they left us, by death or relocation, I hesitate to delete it. Why? Maybe I just keep it a little longer for the sake of remembering, and it’s even more difficult when it is a voice message.

As time passes, our stories become full of ghosts; people we went to school with, relatives, friends. Our 55th high school gathering is in 2025, and we know that there will be very few attending. It seems that nearly every week we see a new memorial posting on the school alumni page. We accept it. What more can we do?

It’s good though, isn’t it; to look at the old pictures of them and smile, even they’re not laughing with you anymore except in memory. It’s good to hold them close again, even if it is only in memory.

So, there, you see, no one tells you about this type of grief; this collection of missing souls. It’s not a loud emptiness, however, it is implicit in the word, ‘retired.‘

Retirement is, simply put, about aging, which means ‘moving away from life. As time passes, it becomes a bit more gentle, hushed; usually not more than a dull ache behind your ribs. But if you find it overwhelming, stay close to the friends and family who share your loss, and share the memories with them. (See: Coping with Grief and Loss)

Make The Gains Outweigh The Losses

So, in retirement, the fact is — you will lose some friends and whereas for some, making new friends can be difficult—it is possible, and it is worth it.

You just have to say yes—to the awkward; to the unfamiliar; to the invitation. This is especially so if you move into a “retirement community.”

Community friendship is different. It’s not the partying kind of friendship from our younger days, but a bit slower with less noise and more presence. People share so many similarities at this age that, where you’re from, what you did, wealthy or poor—most just don’t care about. We all left high school long ago.

Aberdeen Of Ormond Beach, FL. 55+ Community-Click for more information

Retirement communities usually have clubhouses, posted activities, amenities that bring people together. It’s there that you find someone to laugh at your dumb jokes. Oh, and it’s morning coffee Tuesday and bingo Tuesday night. The Sassy Stitcher’s club, the Mahjong Club, poker night, the Vet’s Club, and more!

You take trips together, join a club, go to the pool, exercise groups, etc. It’s not flashy. But it matters.

You also find connections at the senior centers, the garden club, or your church. Even in the grocery line. Basically, anywhere people show up.

You’ll meet someone and feel it. A spark. Not romantic (well, not generally)—just recognition and familiarity, although there are those who still find romance.

As part of losing friends as you age, what no one tells you is that those we’ve lost—never really leave. They remain with us in the way we tell the stories they left behind. The way we laugh as we recall our time with them. The recipes we still cook (that one that so-and-so gave to us. Don’t you remember? So good!)